Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
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me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
If you love someone, let them tweet.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada