Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
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2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
This made me chuckle.
Sticker placement is key.
is nasa ok
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
HOW DARE YOU
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.
#NoRestForTheWicked
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.