I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
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*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
When I laugh on my period
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”