Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
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if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
We’re all getting idioter.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.