ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
You Might Also Like
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
listen closely
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Why is no one talking about this?!
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.