If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
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me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.