Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
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me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.