me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
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“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
no their not
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Not all heroes wear capes…
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.