Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
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I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
#Caturday
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.