The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
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taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.