Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
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My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral