Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
You Might Also Like
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm
Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go
Kid: why do I have to do that?
Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies
Kid:
Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Do not steal food from the science building!
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol