love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
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Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?