me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
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Put this video in the Louvre
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust