Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
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Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Brands during Pride
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.