How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
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british sex workers really pound for pound
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
*Abandons ship*
*Ship gets adopted*
*Tracks down ship in adulthood*
*Ship is happy and wants nothing to do with me*
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.