Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
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If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Guess who just typed “the end” on his first manuscript! Yep, “the end” is the title of my debut novel. Only 49,998 words to go and I’ll be finished!
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this