a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
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TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?