You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
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If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
went fishing caught a bass
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Sorry I’m late, there was a dad yelling at his teenage son for buying $90 jeans and I had to hear every word of it.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.