1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
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Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
I can fix him.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Sticker placement is key.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius