I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
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if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
don’t be scared
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Meow
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”