INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
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THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*