Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
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Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.