O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
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It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.