In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
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My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Every house has this drawer
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up