It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
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If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs