A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
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Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
They did not think through this water fountain
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)