It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
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Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
incredible
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
no regrets
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
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[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.