I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
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**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
If snakes were wide
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”