This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
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Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
man i love columbo
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot