How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
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when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.