Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
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DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.