I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
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I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Me: Donates my body to science
Science: Donates my body to Goodwill
Goodwill: Revives me and tells me to get out of their damn store
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.