Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
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My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.