Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
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Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Art by Pastelkatto
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.