If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
You Might Also Like
i now pronounce you bounced.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
79.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes