[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
You Might Also Like
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Peace was never an option
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
constantly working on myself.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping