My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
You Might Also Like
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
[First day as a teacher]
Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.
[Later]
Student: May I use the restroom?
Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..