coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
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I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
*frowns in Scottish*
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Cha-ching is my safe word
Getting married soon just need a spouse
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.