Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
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[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Best spoiler warning ever
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
A drum solo but on your face.