i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
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I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
“We will wed,” I threatened
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
water it, i dare you
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
🙄😏😂🤣
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
boy: WOLF!
villager: nope, that’s a coyote
boy: *getting attacked by the coyote* please help me
villager: *already walking away* sorry I don’t hear liars
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.