Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
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A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Do one person every day that scares you.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.