What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
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wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
DOOO EEEET
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.