Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
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Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
had to share :’)
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.