“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
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some things should go without saying
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
man: hey do you take walk-ins
cremator: excuse me what
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
This group of patrons’ success at finding the single most acoustically resonant spot in the library to have their loud profanity-laced conversation is a feat of such scientific precision that I’m frankly hesitant to shut it down
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
only kind of dinner drama i approve of
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.