Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
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*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
lmao
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think