I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
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What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.