Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
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I’m listening
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
the three branches of government
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea