Imagine having a party on purpose.
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I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is really just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, if you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.