when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
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Meanwhile in Portland…
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
God: *creates pinky toe* Whatcha think?
Angel: It’s cute. But what’s it for?
God: *creating furniture* You’ll see…
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.